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  • Kim Wilson

The perils of hunting for the perfect leggings

Updated: May 19, 2019

Stretchy, supportive, spotty or see through. Leggings are in fashion and for once I'm right on trend.

My name is Kim and I'm addicted to leggings. They are slowly overtaking my wardrobe, like a shiny Lycra plague. I now think it's acceptable to wear them in daily life. Walking the dog? That's an activity. Shopping? Sure. Pub? Meh why not.

Running gear has a few technical requirements, breathable areas for your sweaty bits and reflective strips so you don't get run over (oh and a pocket for snacks). In comparison yoga leggings just have to stretch a bit and cover your arse when you're bending over. If they are snazzy and make your butt look good then that's a bonus.

The world of leggings can be overwhelming. People have probably died in search of the perfect pair. So here are a few pointers to get you on your way...

Plain, patterned and everything in between

Cheap leggings - Very tempting. If bought from Amazon for under £5 then they will only take 8-12 weeks to ship. If/when they do arrive then there's a 90% chance they won't be the design you ordered. How exciting! If they vaguely look as expected then take a moment to admire the wonky stitching, different leg lengths and lack of symmetry. This is proof they are handmade and unique.

Big bum & no knees - ideal body shape! Yep price seems legit too!

Did you order them in XXXL? If not then at this point you should donate them to a small child while they are still in the packet. Cheap leggings appear to shrink in the post so if you order your normal size then I guarantee you won't get them over your ankles.

Finally use a mirror, or get a poor unsuspecting human to check if they become translucent when you bend over. This allows those those around to enjoy the glorious view of your knickers during exercise.

Don't worry if they don't look the same on you as they did on the clearly photo shopped model from the Amazon advert. It's just your mirror, it must be broken. In real life they absolutely give you the proportions of a Barbie doll with butt implants. Trust me.

Expensive leggings - You must buy these when you start a new sport and aren't very good at it. Taking out a second mortgage to buy 2 pairs of branded leggings will make you look professional and actually improve your abilities. People may say you have 'all the gear and no idea', but this is a compliment. They probably mean you have no idea how awesome you look.

Grey leggings - If you're going for a run or going to do a serious squat session at the gym then grey leggings are essential. They will show up your butt sweat in all its glory so that those around you can admire just how hard you are working. The harder you push yourself, the bigger and darker the sweat patch will be. If you finish and look like you peed yourself then people will probably cheer and hail you their hero. If they are silent and looking at you oddly then just assume they are jealous. Haters gonna hate.

Robot v Unicorn

Patterned leggings - Since leggings became fashionable you can get them in the most beautiful and tasteful patterns. You should avoid these at all costs, they will make people think you are dull. Instead opt for the most brightest, boldest and most aggressive of patterns. Your visual assault on unsuspecting eyes will make you seem fun and quirky.

Always check that the positioning of the pattern has maximum effect. One of my favourite pairs has watermelon slices with one positioned perfectly over my crotch like a juicy watermelon vagina. This shows I am a strong independent woman that does indeed have a vagina. The other rather snazzy pair has a unicorn one on leg fighting a robot dinosaur on the other leg. When I run they look like they are aggressively duelling and the unicorn horn disappears into my crotch crease. This is classy. I might buy another pair.

Nude leggings - These can be worn by any person of any size or age and shouldn't be reserved for the gym. They have maximum impact when worn in busy public places. You might notice people staring and nudging their friends. This is because from a distance people think you are stark bollocks naked from the waist down. Think of it as conservative naturism, very liberating but you can't get arrested for it. Nude leggings are also very good at highlighting any cellulite and burrowing into your butt crack for a true naked appearance. This is very sexy so you can always save a pair for the bedroom.

Mesh Leggings - Leggings with cutouts and mesh sections are really cool but only if you buy them a few sizes too small. This encourages your flesh to try and escape through any weak points and will make a unique imprint against your skin when you take them off. The bulging, barely contained skin will remind people of a piece of strung together, rolled gammon. In some (admittedly niche) circles, gammon is considered an aphrodisiac so you will inadvertently lure admirers towards your sausage legs.

You are now armed with the deep and dirty secrets of the main legging categories. Go forth and forage into the exciting world of stretch pants!

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